GRATITUDES + BREAKTHROUGHS // DECEMBER 12, 2017

It’s been a long time since I’ve shared a personal post. I knew in September it had been a while and promised myself when I got back from France and Italy I would share what had been going on in my life and explain my absence. I didn’t share though. I promised myself when I got back from Spain in November that I would definitely open up and finally share, but I didn’t. This last trip to France in December really helped bring about clarity and healing, much needed healing from this year. I’m actually at a point where I can be vulnerable and strong.

This will be a long post with a string of intense compacted stories twisted with emotions and a lot of sadness. While the title of the post reads gratitudes + breakthroughs it has taken me a really long time to recognize the good that came with this bad.

In August, I was surprised to find myself single again. Really surprised. You see most of 2017 he had been gone, he started a veterinary program at a school outside of the US. I stayed back to continue with my business and hold down the fort so to speak with our animals. I was sad when he left in January. It was quite an adjustment and as much as I told myself it was a great time to start exploring and creating connections again, I missed him and the life we had built. The days passed one by one and I found myself keeping busy – building a new routine but the emptiness and sadness was still present. I held on though because I wanted the relationship to work, I could see the potential and remember when I was happy. Anyone that has had a long distance relationship can attest that distance is hard, really hard. It changes the dynamic of relationship and connection between two people. After about 6-8 months apart we fell victim to that distance. I found myself committed to someone who was not committed to me or to us. My heart shattered and my spirit was broken. It took us about a week to sort through all of those life things that get intertwined when you’re in an adult relationship: animals, furniture, bills, etc. I remember that week seemed to take forever to pass by while we worked out the details, and then suddenly that was it. With one super painful conversation the person I had been attached to, committed to, in love with for two years disappeared. When September came I was beyond sad, I was lost.

It wasn’t long after fall wedding season started that I knew I’d be going to France to visit Paris and Italy for a wedding along the Amalfi Coast. I was looking forward to the change of scenery and a chance to really sit and process. Paris and Amalfi were a blur, myself and Alicia Bruce of Love Knot Photo pushed ourselves with portrait sessions, pizza, sightseeing, espresso, and baguette sandwiches in between planes, trains, buses and ferry boats. The time away was good, but I didn’t give myself the free space to process. At the airport in Rome we were getting ready to board our flight back to Paris for the night before we headed back to Dulles, I got a text from my sister as we were boarding. She said, “Dad went to the doctor earlier this week and they found cancer, Mom didn’t want to tell you because of your trip, but I felt like you needed to know.”  I sent a few texts inquiring about his condition and the type of cancer and told her I’d call when I landed. I sat down on this small commuter plane and just stared out the window and tried to breath, my chest felt heavy that flight.

My Dad had a small patch of cells removed from his lip that were biopsied and confirmed for cancer. He went in late September – early October to have the infected area treated. The mood within the family was heavy. You know where everyone is trying to be positive and lighthearted but everyone is scared. We had to wait to see the results of the treatment to make sure no additional cell growth had developed. As of right now though I’m happy to report my Dad’s okay, they caught it early enough thankfully.

Late October into early November while my family waited for the results from my Dad’s procedure, on a family chat thread that included my sisters and my Mom, Katlyn said she thought she might have had a stroke or a seizure in a yoga class the night before. As sisters do we laughed at her and told her she was crazy. If you’re familiar with my family, you know that Katlyn has had multiple brain tumors removed since she was 5. While we joked, she made strong statements that she felt something was off, so she and her husband went to the ER. My parents met them there and turns out Katlyn did in fact have a seizure. Again, my family was worried. She went through her routine tests to try and see if there was additional tumor growth from her last procedure to remove them a couple of years ago. We waited a few days for the results and turns out the brain damage from her tumors and numerous operations resulted in a minor seizure. It never occurred to me that she would have brain damage, like ever. This was another topic I needed to process. I don’t know why I didn’t connect it before, but the damage to Katlyn’s brain was caused by the tumors and the surgery. The scar tissue is what essentially caused her seizure. Again, my family was relieved and thankful to hear that she is tumor free and would just need to monitor her signs if it were to happen again.

About a week after Katlyn’s episode I flew to Barcelona to meet Julie Abrera of Beaumont House Design. I was there to shoot a portrait session for her and her husband. I didn’t know it at the time but this trip is what sparked my healing. I traveled alone, with plenty of time to process and decompress. When I arrived I had about 24 hours with Julie and Richard before they left me to visit the Spanish countryside, I utilized my time by wandering the streets with my camera and I sat on the beach looking out at the Mediterranean Sea. I think more than anything I needed time and distance. I needed space away from the familiar. I needed to be able to think and feel without the pressure of being strong. I’m sure Google could help me find some poetic saying similar to – you need to get lost in order to find yourself – I found a piece of myself again in Spain. For the first time in a long time I looked in the mirror and my reflection wasn’t pure sadness.

I came home from Barcelona and another opportunity to head aboard popped up. I was asked to head to Paris again for the second time this year. I’d be leaving in two weeks, which leaves little time to plan, making this trip even more exciting. I knew I needed to go again, I knew it would help me. So about week ago I packed my bags the morning of my flight and flew across the Atlantic to enjoy the holiday vibes in Paris with Stephanie Messick of Stephanie Messick Photography. Just as I imagined, it was just what I needed. We walked along the streets looking at the lights, the shops with decorated from windows and I knew the season had changed again. I had also changed.

So this Tuesday I’m going to start with a breakthrough…

Breakthroughs

It hit me so intensely, so abruptly while I watched this guy play the guitar on a foot bridge over the Seine in Paris. I walked across the bridge to snag a picture of this single guy strumming a guitar in front of this massive Christmas tree the city put out and decorated with purple and blue bows and ornaments. He was singing Christmas carols and people would smile and walk by. Some would throw change in his guitar case others would take pictures of videos. I watched him for a little bit before I took his portrait, that’s when it hit me. It was December and I had been sad for a year – a whole year. The majority of 2017 I have been sad. That is an insane amount of time to feel dark and lifeless.

With this breakthrough on the bridge I knew I needed to start to let go, to be appreciative again, to start living my life the way I wanted, the way I used to. I needed to seek joy like I did before, and it was going to start right there. Shortly after that stop Stephanie and I went to a champagne bar where we did a champagne tasting. With each tasting came a new toast, and for me a sparkly reminder and a promise to move forward in a positive light.

Gratitudes

You can find those on Instagram tomorrow.

As always, thanks for reading. xoxo.